5 Sad Facts of the Week #64


5-In the life of a stripper there is a Tuesday where that woman is, wholly, not a stripper.

4-But by the next Tuesday a Desert Storm Vet in sweatpants is raining his Social Security check on her glittery boobs a buck at a time. I have no idea how bad that week would have to be to end up there.

3-With that in mind, some strip clubs around the Twin Cities host a Sunday Amateur Night—because you know, it’s the Lord’s Day Off which cuts down on the girls’ Come-to-Jesus epiphanies.

2-Aint no miracles on Amateur Night.

1-And so it goes that Father’s Day falls on a Sunday as well. Really, June’s third Sunday is the Pearl Harbor Day of stripping: something sad happened along time ago, and now no one talks about it.

Live in infamy, girls. Godspeed.

5 Sad Facts of the Week #63


5-The ancient Greek Olympics didn’t allow married women to view the games.

4-If they were found there, they were killed. Extreme, but, hey, that’s men. What can you do?

3-Anywho, there can only be two reasons the naked, sweaty bros of old didn’t want their wives around: All penises are not created equal, and men think they women don’t know that.

2-Unmarried women were totally welcome…

1-So to recap: if the wife comes to the games, she’ll keep you from crushing strange. Or she’ll meet an omni-sexual God of ab mussels with neck-down alopecia and a sea monster for a penis.

It’s the same reason you don’t bring you wife to Vegas.

5 Sad Facts of the Week #62


5-Today is Flag Day: the day homophobes with big secrets over pronounce the “L” sound in “flag”.

4-Earthday marks the 24-hour-pirod when all Americans are equal in their failure.

3-Thanksgivings is the time of year white people play Hot Potato with the word “Indians”.

2-Father’s Day is the day your dad wants to be left alone to golf or masturbate; instead you get him a tie and make him have diner with you, and he’s like, “I love it. I love you. This is not a high-pressure, overstated, version of every other day of my life. Thank you. Thank you. A thousand times, thank you.”

1-Easter is a time of year you gather with your huge-ass-family and your wife leans over and says, “Who is that guy?” And you say, “Someone sent from the future to eat all the cheesy-potatoes and keep me from becoming the leader of the resistance. I don’t know.”

5 Sad Facts of the Week #61


5-I stopped eating badly and now I have no idea what to eat at all. It’s like I’m new here!

4-I often wonder if reality is making me look stupid or if it’s just reflections.

3-Found among the great and unknowable questions of my generation: “You have been watching Hulu for 12 hours; are you okay?”

2-I stand for nothing these days. Not even fire drills.

1-I get more done before I put on my pants than most people do all day, but I can’t talk about any of it…

And you wouldn’t want to hear it.

5 Sad Facts of the Week #60


5-I had a beard for 4 ½ years and shaved it. I’m not sure why.

4-Maybe I was bored. Maybe I was sick of the sight of myself.

3-What I know for sure: I hate the real me. I look like Teddy from Bob’s Burgers ate gas station sushi and got leukemia.

2-I have been lying to myself for years about things so fundamental, so basic as what I actually look like, it’s a good bet I don’t really know myself at all.

1-I don’t know what to change. I don’t know who I’m supposed to be.

Maybe I’ll just grow another beard.

5 Sad Facts of the Week #59


5-Wind makes me look fat.

4-The day I found out you can play Pac-Man on Google Maps was the day I became a useless employee.

3-I hope I will be a sweet old man and not, as I suspect, super handsy…

2-Poker Player, Punter, Grave Digger and Writer are jobs that make people go “Oh, that’s right…some one does that.”

1-My OCD has progressed to the point that I can no longer fly in a plane if the shit in the seat back pouch isn’t organized largest to smallest and fixed in right angles.

The sky is no place for madness.

5 Sad Facts of the Week #58


5-You forgot mother’s day. Admit it.

4-I don’t know how to feel about the fact that more collect calls are placed on Father’s Day than any other day. I’m leaning toward awful.

3-Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are curiously separated. I feel like Viscous Trollope’s Weekend or Random Striper’s Night has something to with it.

2-My mom is nice to strangers and still uses a travel agent; they exchange Christmas cards every year. The woman is a total mystery.

1-The flip side: my wife still buys CDs. I still buy books. We don’t have kids yet, but we already don’t understand them.

It is perhaps a parent thing?